Just for giggles…
Heaven & Hell
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”
“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”
***
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
VERBS:
to schmooze = befriend scum
to pitch = grovel shamelessly
to brainstorm = feign preparedness
to research = procrastinate indefinitely
to network = spread disinformation
to collaborate = argue incessantly
to freelance = collect unemployment
NOUNS:
agent = frustrated lawyer
lawyer = frustrated producer
producer = frustrated writer
writer = frustrated director
director = frustrated actor
actor = frustrated human
COMPOUND WORDS:
high-concept = low brow
production value = gore
entry-level = pays nothing
highly qualified = knows the producer
network approved = had made them money
FINANCIAL TERMS:
net = something that apparently doesn’t exist
gross = some producers salaries
back-end = you, if you think you’ll ever see it
residuals = braces for the kids
deferral = don’t hold your breath
points = see “net” or “back-end”
COMMON PHRASES:
You can trust me = You must be new
It needs some polishing = Change everything
It shows promise = It stinks rotten
It needs some fine tuning = Change everything
I’d like some input = I want total control
It needs some honing = Change everything
Call me back next week = Stay out of my life
It needs some tightening = Change everything
Try and punch it up = I have no idea what I want
It needs some streamlining = Change everything
You’ll never work in this town again = I have no power whatsoever
[Submitted by Thandi] – Talk about many a truth said in jest!
Stages of a film production
1 Enthusiasm
2 Disillusionment
3 Panic
4 Search for the guilty
5 Punishment of the innocent
6 Praise and glory for the non participants
[Submitted by Thandi]
DIRECTORS’ RULES:
1. The director is right.
2. The director is always right.
3. Even if the SM or TD is right, the first rule still applies.
4. The director is special:
a. The director doesn’t sleep, he rests.
b. The director doesn’t eat, he takes nourishment.
c. The director is never late, he is detained.
d. The director never leaves, he is called away.
5. If you go to the director with original ideas, they become the
director’s ideas.
6. The director remains a director, even in his boxers.
7. The more you criticize the director, the less you get cast.
8. The director is obliged to think for everyone.
9. Those who believe the director is a dictator are dissidents.
a. All dissidents disappear.
10. It is necessary to prevent directors from marrying so that their
numbers may not increase