The Frank & the Frivolous
It’s bleak out there folks so don’t even try and deny it! Money’s tight, jobs are fickle and winter’s rubbing it in just for kicks! Enter ‘The Frank & the Frivolous’, our feel-good section devoted entirely to… er… well, frank frivolity obviously; arb quotes of the week, bitchy TV reviews (aka serial killings) and an interactive daily soap parody are just some of the categories in the pipeline. Your participation is mandatory so bring your sense of humour along… even if it’s got the flu.
We’ve hunted down a few amusing and insightful quotes from the who’s who of Hollywood writers for your enjoyment!
WORST NOTES
I was on a network notes call for so long that the current executive from the studio who was listening in literally fell asleep. At first we thought there was static
on the line, then realized he was asleep on his speaker phone.
—Carlton Cuse
When we went to get the notes after screening the pilot of ER, the network never came. After keeping us waiting for over an hour, one of the more junior executives came out and told us they weren’t going to give us notes because they hated it, it would never make it on the air, and they didn’t want to waste our time.
Thank god they went ahead and did some audience testing and the audiences loved it.
—John Wells
Stupid note sessions are not worth worrying about, though I’ll include a funny one. When I was pitching Joan of Arcadia, a studio executive asked me if Joan would be “heroic” in nature. I said, “No, she’s a teenager, so she’s narcissistic, sulky, self-obsessed.” The executive said, “Well, I’m having trouble finding the good guy
in all this,” to which I replied, “Well, God is going to be pretty good.”
—Barbara Hall
When we had just started ER, someone at the network or studio asked: Does there have to be so much medicine?
—Lydia Woodward
(Regarding Everybody Loves Raymond): “The show should be ‘hip and edgy.’” “Less of that scary brother.”
—Phil Rosenthal
An executive once said to me, “When you take a comedy and remove the humor, what remains should still be funny.”
—Al Jean
BEST ADVICE
Expect to be rewritten.
—Al Jean
Don’t rush it. It takes time to learn the craft of episodic writing and producing. I spent five years on staff on three different shows before writing my first pilot. Six
years before executive producing on my own. There’s a lot to learn; don’t allow your agent or a studio to force you into a position beyond your experience. In all likelihood, you’ll fail and it can take many, many years to get another chance.
—John Wells
Worry about the writing first, second, and third.
—Carlton Cuse
Decide which job to take: As my first agent rightly said to me, go with the material, not the money. If you can do well on the first, the second will follow.
—Lydia Woodward
As you’re coming up through the ranks, remember that your job is not to make the best TV you can but to make your executive producer happy. Sometimes these
two goals are worlds apart. (Second-most useful advice: If you’ve pitched it twice, and no one’s latched onto it, LET IT GO.)
—Dan O’Shannon
One of the first jobs that Chris and I received was a freelance script for L.A. Law. A deal was prenegotiated for us to go on staff, in the event David Kelley liked our script. He did like our script, even though he substantially rewrote it. He gave us a second assignment, which didn’t go quite as well. Ultimately, the episode that aired bore almost no resemblance to anything we’d written. David was incredibly gracious. He told us he could put us on staff, but he’d probably just end up rewriting us. He said we deserved to go on a show where we could see our work actually produced. At
the time, this was a huge blow. But David’s advice turned out to be a tremendous gift. We went on another show, Sisters, where, frankly, we were needed more. We were able to see our words on-air, which was an incredible learning opportunity. We quickly saw where our writing was too heavy-handed or too elevated. We saw when scenes dragged or were too breezy. In short, we learned what worked and what didn’t. We rose very quickly through the ranks, from co-producers to co-executive producers,
because we were permitted hands-on experience that we might never have gotten had we staffed on a show where being rewritten was the order of the day. David’s was great advice: Go where your writing is most likely to be needed and appreciated. —Amy Lippman
If you want to be a TV writer, just remember that your job is to sell Buicks and make
America feel cozy. Always remember this and, if you’ve got any integrity at all, hate
yourself for it every minute of the day.
—Henry Bromell on David Chase
Whatever you write, don’t fake it. Find a way to mean it. Advice on being staff: The person who created the show has given you a template. Don’t resist that voice. Give in to the idea that a huge part of your job is mimicry. Find a way to insert your own idea’s voice within the laws of that universe. Most of the advice I’ve gotten on writing
from the excellent showrunners I’ve worked with (Josh Brand, David Chase) has been between the lines. Learn to read between the lines. And the best between-thelines advice I’ve ever gotten was: Be fearless. And don’t think of the audience as “the other.” You are the audience. Impress and entertain yourself.
—Barbara Hall
ABOUT STAFF WORK:
1. Never take a job working for people whose work you don’t respect.
2. Never work on a show you don’t love.
3. Never take a job “just for the money” – you’ll pay for it later.
It should also be noted that when we went to New York to do The Sopranos, it was a clear case (since it involved a huge pay cut ‘cause there were only 13 episodes instead of the normal 22-25) of following our hearts to do something we really wanted to do and work with someone we deeply respected. Of course, it worked out in the end because the show was such a hit. But even if it hadn’t hit, it would’ve been worth it because it was such a great creative experience and just so damn much fun.
—Robin Green & Mitch Burgess
MOST DIFFICULT SITUATION ENCOUNTERED
AS A PRODUCER
The day an actor refused to take his meds and tried to kill me, first by throwing a huge crystal ashtray at me from three feet away, and then by trying to stab me with a steak knife. Homicide, Baltimore, 1994.
—Henry Bromell
When anyone starts to challenge you on your vision, never explain and never complain. Insist on trust. No show can succeed without it.
—Barbara Hall
Best advice is something I heard Oliver Stone say once. “Ass plus chair.” Be strong. Be a leader. Be confrontational. If there are actors trying to get away with shit,
call them on it. If someone on your staff isn’t cutting it, get rid of them. Without emotion. This is big business, and there’s a lot at stake. Don’t hope for things to self-
correct. They won’t. As much of a pain in the ass as it is, you have to get in there and fix things yourself. You need the respect of everyone on your show.
—Joel Surnow
MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE TO GIVE TO A SHOWRUNNER
The advice came from another showrunner, Ed. Weinberger, who said, “Do the show you want to do because in the end they’re going to cancel you anyway.”
—Phil Rosenthal
Surround yourself with the most experienced people you can find and listen to them. Taking their advice and counsel won’t make you look weak; it’ll make you
look smart. Don’t be afraid to say “I have no idea, but I’ll find somebody who can answer your question.”
—John Wells
Make out a schedule and stick to it. Be smart enough with your time. You may find there are more than enough hours in the day to run a show and have a life.
(Second-most important advice: If you follow every note the network gives you and your show bombs, the network will not remember or care that you followed their notes. They only know your show bombed.)
—Dan O’Shannon
You’ll think that everyone but you is an idiot. Most of the time you’re right.
—Al Jean